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Can you hear my heartbeat, it’s beating for You
Every minute, your heart beats approximately 72 times.
None of these beats are a coincidence.
How lucky we are to have beating hearts.
Try
“When I wake up I feel very blessed to even see a new day. The fact that you’re alive and breathing is just another chance at life. So just wake up and live.”
Me, almost a month ago.
This quote cannot be more apt for me right now. A few weeks ago, a friend asked if she could interview me for something like a ‘Humans of New York’ they were doing. I said yes and today she posted my quote up along with my picture in the closed group.
I half feel like slapping myself after reading words that I said to myself because today I think I forgot to live by what I said.
Went for my driving test today and failed (terribly). I didn’t think I’d do that badly, especially after such a smooth morning warm up and the rather consistent thumbs up my instructor was giving me. When I came out of the car, he was in big smiles and asking me if I passed.
I walked out of the driving centre crying.
I think it was me wanting to pass on one try very very badly. because:
1) one test is so expensive (I really could use that money somewhere else)
2) I really wanted to show myself and others that I could do it because I honestly think I have very little talent for driving
But I also really didn’t think that I would take it so badly. While the tester was going through my mistakes, I was just biting my lips. I walked out of the centre and it began to pour.
I think the last time I felt this kind of disappointment was after A levels. Minus the waterfall crying haha.
And I know my dad kept saying if you fail then take again, what’s the big deal correct?
But I think over the weeks I had subconsciously built so many lofty expectations in myself that it all came crashing down.
I was sad for one afternoon :(
Luckily for me, a couple of very nice friends comforted me and gave some very good advice. With every failure, there must be something to learn. I suppose I could spend all my time moping and feel like a real failure but after today I won’t.
In all honesty I think I’m damn drama. I mean, only a test why take it so hard right??
I didn’t even want to tell my dad I was taking the test cos I didn’t want him to laugh at me. So when he called me and asked why I was at home I just decided to come clean. And yes, he did laugh (as usual) but I think for the most of it, he was laughing at why I had to cry. he also said some very sensible things like why was I taking it so hard when this was such a small problem.
So it really struck me… Why was I taking it so hard???
I guess failure is good once in a while because I just realized how smooth sailing things have been for me in a while now. And that if I didn’t fail today, I wouldn’t have felt all the things I felt and reflected about my attitude towards life. I felt very much like a delicate flower, too weak for the winds and rain that might come in the future. It is always good to toughen up.
With every failure, there is indeed something to learn.
You may have failed today but you will not fail forever.
Try again, Amalia.
Pocketful of sunshine
Things that made my day:
- meeting Fi for breakfast and taking the train to the west
- meeting a formerly angry customer who turned nice
- feeling like I got back into the zone of focus for a bit
- my father fetching me from work, then fetching the rest of my family. Though it took me 2 hours to get home because of the rain and jam, I was happy to be with them
- hot bath while it was raining outside
I cannot remember when exactly I felt like that today. But I remember I was walking (to somewhere) and suddenly I felt so appreciative of a little moment. I consciously thought about a quote to myself, something to do with appreciating little things because one day you’ll look back and realize they were big things. I’m not so sure I will still be able to remember the little things that happened today, in the future. But today I was happy and that was enough for the me today.
They say everyday may not be a good day, but surely there is good in every day. I think about how true this is. I used to think that extraordinary things needed to happen before you could feel extraordinary happiness. I was always cloud nine or cloud seven (when I was afraid to be too happy) But I’ve come to realize that it is looking to the ordinary things and appreciating its beauty and goodness that brings about so much love in my heart.
You know, if I’m happy today then I am. I’m not afraid to feel (be it happy or sad) and that in itself is such a liberating feeling.
—
“Be in this world like you are a traveller.”
“This world is like a bridge. Cross it and do not build on it”
Anyhow
The other day I felt an ache in my chest. Like a little squeeze on my heart. And I wondered if that feeling was sadness or disappointment.
Then I realized it was a feeling I hadn’t felt in a long time. I couldn’t remember the last time my heart squeezed. In my flashbacks, I only saw a lot of stomach churns and deep sighs, but no heart squeeze. And I wondered if that made any difference.
Yesterday I woke up from a dream, only to reminded of how much someone meant to me.
Today I looked through our photographs and it was really strange to be looking at a familiar stranger. I smiled because I remembered and because I thought Amalia looked very happy in the pictures - a kind of happy before she got really sad. And no, don’t get me wrong. She is not sad, sad now. But she is just… different. I couldn’t really put my finger to what exactly it was about her smile in those photos. It was almost like she was beaming. Maybe it was lighting? Haha. I kid. She just looked a different kind of happy. She missed the other person in the photograph and wondered again how someone could so cruelly disappear and make such a cold exit from her life. She didn’t wish things were different though because she knows you can’t stop a person from leaving like you can’t stop rain from falling. I smiled because I thought they were happy memories for me. I did not sigh like I usually do. And again I wondered if it’s true when they say practice makes perfect. It’s like I have gotten so used to this cycle - of me thinking about you and sometimes feeling my heart dip, to not feeling anything at all.
If you ever read this, then you’d know I still miss you every now and then and maybe I always will but I just don’t know if you can understand the kind of feelings I have - the feelings when you lose a friend.
Little talks
“I like optimistic Amalia more.”
“So do I.”
Little joys
- Having a good mini snow skin mooncake
- being awake early in the morning and taking in the morning air (and mist)
- feeling thankfulness in your heart
- looking up to the sky and seeing clouds, following days of hazy skies
- fried chicken
- having heart to heart talks with your mother
- feeling like it’s okay to let go
- learning what love is - patience and kindness
This weekend I feel like I learnt a lot about love and how to love.
‘Love is patient, love is kind’
Sometimes you love someone. So you think chocolate is good for them and want to give them a lot, a lot of chocolate. That’s a natural thing to do right? To give someone you love, something you think is the best.
But I’ve learnt that love is stepping back sometimes. It might be that you have two bags of chocolates that you cannot wait to shower the person with. But you keep it all in the bag and hand them just one bar everyday. You don’t try to possess someone with love. You give them space and give them acceptance. And only give the chocolates when necessary and only if they like it too.
I was once very impatient and wanted to give away all my chocolates but I have come to realize that you can only change hearts with patience and the little bars everyday.
Love is being present.
But sometimes also about being absent.
Absence sometimes means so much more than presence. You don’t have to always be in someone’s face to love them. You can love them from afar too, and pray for their well being.
Love is commitment and consistent acts.
There are so many facets of love I have learnt - so many taught to me by many different people, mostly through the way I see them express love.
I think I will love better now.
You don’t get over it. You move past it. You move through it. You lose yourself to find it, and when found, it’s yours and no longer theirs.
scattredthoughts